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Man Cleared of Hate Crime, PETA Outraged

Arachnophobia on the rise, President Obama calls for calm

(SNN) A US man has set a gas pump on fire as he attempted to burn a spider on the side of his car with a cigarette lighter. A blaze ensued that completely engulfed his car and more tragically, a spider, which was described as substantial and possibly pregnant.

“It would be impossible for the spider to escape that arachnophobe's attack,” stated PETA agent Ariana Ophelia, “more and more Americans are spewing hatred towards the spider community.”

The fire was quickly extinguished by the gas station attendant. The man escaped, and no charges are being sought. Security cameras at the Mobil Gas Station at Detroit, Michigan, caught the incident on camera.

Arachnophobia on the rise

With the recent rise of hate speech against spiders through social media, these types of attacks have become common place. “Most intolerance is coming from the USA, Australia, the UK, Germany and even Canada,” stated Ophelia. “Most spiders are peace loving, and are no threat to anyone.”

Psychologists have raised concerns over the rise of Arachnophobia over the past 24 months, creating the impression that spiders have been infiltrating neighborhoods in what was commonly seen as traditional western communities. “With the popularity of social media, and the rise of hate speech towards spiders, intolerance towards Arachnids is on a rise,” came the statement from the American Mental Health Guild. “Most spiders are moderates and no danger to anyone.”

“Its not so much normal spiders that are the problem,” came a response from one Facebook user, “it's the evil ones. . . you know . . . the ones that hide even more spiders veiled in black sacks. You can't trust them.”

It is estimated that people post over one million negative images and stories of spiders on social media daily, creating an overall environment of fear and hatred towards all variations of spiders.

In an attempt to calm Americans, President Barack Obama is on record as saying, “Spiders have been woven into the fabric of our country since its founding. We are not at war with spiders. There is no way to predict if a spider is evil. But we must not judge all spiders by the acts of just a few."

The fate of the Detroit gas station spider is unknown.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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