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Notley to Ban Menthol Liquor and Other Gateway Products

Photo: The reason teenagers are like that in a bottle

(SNN) Now that menthol cigarettes are now as illegal as marijuana is in Alberta, Premier Notley has vowed to go after other substances she feels are "gateways to lifestyle choices the government disagrees with, frowns at or looks down upon". The next target in her crosshairs are all mint-flavoured liquors and liqueurs that "lead directly to teenage alcoholism", despite the fact wild creme de menthe parties are not exactly a thing; at least not in Alberta, anyway.

"It is imperative the government take a stand against any destructive behaviours and create compassionate laws saving these poor wretches from the clutches of non-approved choices made by our citizens," the Premier told a crowd of Kindergarteners at a morning media briefing at the Progressive Academy. The audience responded with enthusiastic napping.

Other goods being considered for illegalization and/or criminalization include raising the legal bingo age to 65. This is to encourage those not yet of retiring age to take up jogging, cycling, protesting pipelines or other healthy activities.

Razor blades are also on the radar given how often they are used to create lines of cocaine. Compact mirrors will be spared, however, due to a push by Real Madd Women of Canada who had successfully lobbied to have feminine hygiene products freed from the GST, saving women across the land tens of dollars a decade.

Lemonade stands on the chopping block is an obvious move. “Children selling faux Mike’s Hard Lemonade is just criminal… or at least, will be,” admonished Notley.

The evils of watermelon are slated to be stamped out since there is little to distinguish regular watermelon from melons laced with vodka.

Orange juice, as well, is to be sanctioned, given the fact that of all heroin addicts studied, almost 100% had tried orange juice at some point in their lives. “The connection is immediately apparent,” commented the Premier. “Orange pop will also be banned, other than Orange Crush due to religious reasons.”

For the public good, the NDP leader has also signaled a distaste for single-ply bathroom tissue. This was the only initiative met with hearty applause from the toddlers.

“We have to clamp down in certain areas of people’s lives so we can force them to enjoy their freedom to the max,” the newbie Premier gushed enthusiastically.

Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Dominic Lockyer Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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