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Sage News Election Guide: Who Not to Vote For

Photo: Is that too much to ask?

(SNN) In an effort to spur the voting public into... well... voting, The Sage News Editorial Board and Glee Club has studied everything the leaders of the major parties and Elizabeth May has said that we bothered to read. Given our patchy understanding of the issues and where each candidate stands on them, we feel we are perfectly positioned to tell you, as an uninformed source, what we think and how we feel about each of these individuals who get so much electronic ink in the news sites.

Stephen Harper: We figure the current PM is a very bad man and unworthy of our vote. We believe given another ten or twenty years, Chretien's attack ads about Harper's dictatorial style, complete with armed soldiers in the streets, will finally become a reality. It seems obvious Harper is a terrible prime minister what with his secret agenda seemingly taking decades to come to fruition. His public agendas, he has no trouble with, thanks to phone book-sized pieces of legislation. In fact, you need a phone book-sized document just for the title, anymore.

Also, Harper has no personality. To say he is a machine is unfair; however all the countless devices we own appear to have personality, which Harper would give a staffer's left nut for. We don't like that Harper pretends to like hockey, The Beatles, the Franklin Expedition and other cool stuff just so we don't discover he is actually a robot like Mr. Data from Star Trek. Steve and Data even have the same perfect hair, and yet Steve makes fun of Justin's coiffure. What a cruel twist of fate.

Steve does, however, have a closet (careful, he's sensitive about that word) brimming with sweater-vests, which exemplifies his poor decision-making skills. He is also suspected, mostly by people who aren't CPC supporters, of making Nigel Wright give Mike "I'm just a poor, destitute Canadian senator trying to make a buck" Duffy enough money to cover a debt he owed the taxpayers of Canada. Give Duffy money? That's just crazy. He'll just buy donuts with them anyway.

Tom Mulcair: We feel the boss of the Commie-loving, tree hugging, big-spending NDP is a bad man and unworthy of our vote. He's a dual citizen, for crying out loud. He will take his marching orders from the King of France or whoever runs things over there. It isn't even like he was born there. He chose to adopt another citizenship despite being an otherwise normally functioning adult, other than his political views. One can't serve two masters, after all, unless one is the radical left of his party and the others are power-smelling centrists.

Plus we don’t like Tom because he looks really angry in all the press photos we've ever seen of the man. These photos got him the nickname, "Angry Tom" which sounds scary; much scarier than "Angry Stephen" or "Angry Justin" or "Angry Elizabeth" could ever sound. It has been suggested that the reason Tom might feel angry all the time is that he is much better suited to politics which are confined to smaller geographical areas. Canada is so big, he forgets what he said in one part of the country when he is talking to folks from other provinces. I’d be grumpy, too. The only time Tommy the Commie smiled was during the Macleans debate when he wore a creepy death grimace like he had a radical lip-ectomy.

Mulcair wants to have a National Daycare Program. We believe the federal government screws up so many things, we would rather they stayed away from our kids. It wouldn't be long before it became mandatory. Think of the children!

Justin Trudeau: We feel the pot smoking, Quebec-centric, F-18 quipper-snapper is a bad man and unworthy of our vote. The attacks ads say he just isn't ready, like he might be some day. The fact is, Justin learned at the knee of the man that indebted the country more than any other prime minister before or since. A man that was BFFs with Fidel Castro. A man that creepily pursued a woman almost thirty years his junior; the Rolling Stones favourite party girl, Maggie, in order to produce the drama teacher turned party authoritarian, Justin.

We are also uncomfortable with Justin using his brother Alexandre as an advisor, given Alexandre is also an advisor to the Iranian government regarding their nuclear program. Aren't the Iranians the bad guys? Maybe Assad can give Justin some pointers, too. Trudeau-lite has already said how much he admires how easily the Chinese leadership can be far more nimble, being a dictatorship and all.
(Personal note to Justin: Just to clear the air on the whole pot smoking thing, we wouldn't mind you having a joint or ten whenever you're on your own time. Don't you think, however, it is a little hypocritical to do it and even brag about it, after having just voted in favour of keeping it illegal?)

Elizabeth May: Lizzie would be the best of the bunch except for her policies and the fact she gets out of control at public functions which makes her unworthy of my vote. It’s mostly the policies, though. Her party's promise to "tax all polluters" doesn't explain that they view everyone as polluters, and we better practise bending over for a whopping big carbon tax. This in a country that has provincial capitals that experience -40 during the winter, making heat kind of an essential item.. The Greens point out that "green” energy projects create seven times more jobs than conventional energy industries. The fact is, the Greens miss the point of free enterprise, which is starting businesses to create profits, not jobs. Creating businesses to create jobs is unsustainable. A business for the purpose of employing people sounds neither efficient nor a good investment. The green energy initiatives of the McGuinty and Wynne governments in Ontario have created some of the highest energy costs in North America and profited only the friends of the government that got the fat windmill contracts. And the guy that created this diabolically stupid wind-powered energy plan is Gerald Butts; the campaign manager for Justin Trudeau. What a small world.

Gilles Duceppe: Not only is he unworthy of my vote, I couldn't vote for his party if I tried, given it’s a single-province party. What they are doing in a national election is a mystery. Why we give politicians who are bent on the destruction of the country a big fat government MP pension is an even bigger mystery. As far as Duceppe goes, he is yesterday's man from last year's party arguing a point that was settled a century and a half ago.

Ultimately, we all have good reasons not to vote for any of these people. However, somebody has to pretend to run the bureaucrats. Come on, Canada! Everybody hold your nose and vote!

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Tavis Ford Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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