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FBI storms middle school and detains suspected terror-tots

(SNN)  Acting on information gathered by the NSA, FBI agents stormed the Pansy Kidd Middle School, located in Poteau, Oklahoma, and arrested two suspected terrorists in the middle of show and tell. According to FBI Special Agent Odie Buckelman, the two suspects, aged 9 and 10, were radicalized by an older babysitter over a period of two weeks.

“With the help of the NSA, we intercepted Instagram messages between two students that clearly indicate that they were planning to “blow them up”, stated Buckelman, “In fact, metadata provided clear plans to build an improvised antipersonnel device.”

Information obtained by The Sage provided a fragment of the messages exchanged on Instagram:

Suspect 1: “You going to blow them up?”
Suspect 2: “Yeah, I blow them up like I did before, and I got new guns.”
Suspect 1: “Use short fuse”
Suspect 2: “Ok, short fuse, grand slam and tripwire is all we need.”
Suspect 1: “Don't forget torpedo and blowtorch.”
Suspect 2: “OK, did you get your “Joes” back from your sitter?”
Suspect 1: “He's still holding them.”

The two “Terror-tots” as the media has dubbed them, were born and raised on American soil, and no indications that the family has contact with any country in the Middle East. According to sources close to the FBI, both boys admitted in the presence of their school teacher, that they usually pick the side of “Cobra” and think that “Body Bag” is cool.

The swift actions of the inter-agency task force has proven that even with the reduced ability for collecting meta-data after the failed attempt by the Senate to save the “Patriot Act”, Americans can still feel safe from radicalized toddlers.

Image: Some Rights Reserved by Raymond Wambsgans, The Sage nor the article endored. The original image can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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