news director

Please Support our Sponsors

Collider Restarting Per Mothership Directive

Photo: Large Hadron Collider or Amusement Park Ride?

(SNN) The Large Hadron Collider Project, also known as CERN, (although, mysteriously, there’s no L or H in CERN) is being restarted at the behest of the alien Mothership that often, if not always, hovers above the Earth.  This information was discovered by Dr. Hugh Heffoe, Professor of Alien Culture at the University of New Mexico  at Roswell.

Professor Heffoe claims he received a telepathic directive from beyond his senses commanding the CERN project to proceed, after forgetting to wear his tinfoil hat to work.  He claims when he heard the directive, the collider project finally made sense to him.

“I could never understand why the many governments on the planet would spare money for this huge, expensive lab experiment with no known practical application that we know of, save allowing theoretical physicists their chance to say,  “We TOLD you the particle existed!” explained Heffoe. “Obviously this machine was actually designed  by the aliens who threatened our destruction if we didn’t obey their command to build it.”

According to the telepathic message Heffoe received, the purpose of the collider is actually to transmit high quality text, images and video of everything our cultures produce. The aliens are extremely confused about the transmissions they get from the Internet, TV and Radio and are demanding answers to a number of questions, including:

“About sports, they wonder why people watch people having fun instead of having fun themselves?”

“Why are there so many shows on the Internet about procreation? Do they not know how to do it? Are they for educational purposes? Are they aware most of the examples shown won’t lead to pregnancy?”

“We watched a whole year of Dallas and it was just a dream of Bobby Ewing’s? It was hysterically funny when Bob Newhart used the same bit, but the Dallas version angered our Overlords.”

“According to everything we’ve seen, the majority believes in aliens. Also according to everything we’ve seen, people who claim to have seen a UFO are considered crazy by the majority; even those who claim to believe in aliens. What’s up with that?”

“Who won ‘Dancing With the Stars’ last year? We have a bet with the guys from Alpha Proxima.”
Professor Heffoe is certain the aliens mean us no harm. He says if they were going to destroy us, they would have already.

“I think they just use us for free cable and Internet,” chuckled  Dr. Heffoe. “Too bad it cost us Earthlings billions."

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Mark Hillary Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can  be located here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from Chris McKerracher



Most Viewed

Promote Your Business

Social Activity

Top ^