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North America Prepares For Impending Chaos

Night People Distraught Over Lost Hour

(SNN) Most of North America is bracing for the annual messy Monday morning, full of shocked, bleary-eyed commuters trying to find their way to work in a cloud of sleep deprivation, thanks to Daylight Saving Time (DST). In support of their fellow workers, activists who are fortunate enough to have Monday off are planning a sleep-in to protest moving the clock ahead one whole, excruciating hour.

Saskatchewan to guard its borders

Officials in Saskatchewan, where DST has been outlawed, have ordered the RCMP to set up guard stations along province borders in anticipation of a weekend rush of escapees from neighboring Alberta and Manitoba, who in last minute desperation seek to join an already burgeoning number of night people residing there. Alas, it has been reported that the high number of night people living in Sask has resulted in a shortage of workers who are willing to open up businesses in the early morning hours.

Citizens from all over the province have filed complaints with their local government offices, charging that the late opening hours of numerous coffee shops scattered throughout the province has caused them undue hardship and a bad start to the workday. Last year, many companies across the province reported a high level of lost productivity and are demanding that no more night people be allowed to live in Saskatchewan.

Half-hearted support in Newfoundland

Newfies of the night grudgingly support bumping the clock ahead, but only by so much. Newfies, always celebrating their right to be different, proudly proclaim that they are half-off. For nine months, Newfies operate on NDT (Newfoundland Daylight Time). Yep, they lag two and a half hours behind UTC (Universal Time Central), while being 30 minutes ahead of AST (Atlantic Standard Time). Sleepless and confused in Newfoundland?  You betcha.

Snickering heard in Hawaii and Arizona

While the rest of the U.S. is groggily hauling their night people out of bed, Hawaiians and Arizonans are rolling their eyes behind their Ray-Bans. These two great states are staying put, refusing to be part of the madness; instead, their residents will be entertaining themselves by tallying up all the crabby complaints on Facebook and Twitter, posted by friends and relatives in the other 48 who are dragging around like a bunch of aimless extras from the Walking Dead.

Many laid-back islanders and desert dwellers are reporting plans to also hang out on Reddit and Instagram to do some serious tallying, marathon style. It takes so little to entertain people these days.

But take solace, North America. You’re not alone. Daylight Saving Time is a global scourge. Reporters from Wikipedia inform us that many countries in South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, and Oceania also suffer from being clocked ahead and pushed out the door. Like us, their citizens are girding themselves for the annual, inevitable taste of the zombie apocalypse. And that just bites.

Thanks, Obama!


Photo: Some Rights Reserved  by Vox Efx flickr photostream. The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be located here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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