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15 Absolute Truths About Thanksgiving Dinner

Photo: Remember, you don't have to invite the whole tribe.

By John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.
Sunday, November 23, 2014

(SNN) The Famous Fifteen

Someone always brings pearl onions. To limit number of dirty dishes, pour them directly down the drain.

No one knows what the word “Giblets” means. In Swahili, however, a word very close to it translates as “Great horrible part of bird not to be eaten even on a dare.”

There is no such thing as Tryptophan. You’re fat and stuffed and drunk. Of course you’re gonna doze off.

Always try to keep Uncle Fingers away from the Clam Dip.

Maybe this will be the year Aunt Minnie doesn’t lose one of her earrings in the stuffing, but don’t bet on it.

Serve the good wine first unless you expect a visit from The Guy who turns water into Chateau Lafite-Rothschild. Bring out the rotgut later when everyone’s drunk. No one will notice the difference.

If there will be Vegetarians, Vegans and people who only eat Microbiotic kumquats present, put out a plate of lawn clippings and tell them the Tofu Turkey was eaten by the cat.

The only cranberry sauce worth eating has the impression of the can it came in when served. Forget the fancy stuff.

Be sure to thank Wal-Mart for forcing your doufus Brother-in-Law Lance to work on Thanksgiving and miss dinner.

Because of an unexpectedly early end to Tornado season and early start to Blizzard Season, Thanksgiving has been postponed until Spring in parts of New York State.

If you are attempting to deep fat fry your bird indoors, notify the Fire Department in advance so they can get a running start.

Architects plant trees to cover their mistakes, doctors bury their booboos. Have lots of gravy on hand in case your bird goes South.

If your 80-year-old grandmother starts shouting “I got yer turkey breasts right here, sailor” lock her in the porn room until the Black Friday sales are in full swing.

Never leave the dog and the turkey alone together in the same room.

If someone brings broccoli, pop it in the clothes dryer for ten minutes and use it later to scour the pots and pans.

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Mike Licht  flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

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