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EPA Ends Approval of Contrail Mind Control Drugs

Photo: Poisonous contrails right above your house

(SNN) - The US Environmental Protection Agency has withdrawn its approval for mind control chemicals spread by jet airplane contrails on behalf of the CIA. It has been widely acknowledged that these mind-controlling substances have been used for years with the EPA's blessing.

Recent findings, however, indicate the drugs may be a carcinogen. Instead of just getting people to vote in ways detrimental to their own self-interest, such as for money-sucking, long-term incumbents, they have found the chemicals can actually cause large, grotesque forehead tumours such as Next Generation Klingons appear to suffer from.

"Although the EPA supports the efforts of the CIA to keep our country safe from real debate and genuine choices, we cannot, in good conscience, condone the practice of spraying our citizens with cancer-causing chemicals any longer," said EPA spokesman, Dr. Polly Proplene, in a press release. "Therefore, we are enacting a policy to encourage phasing out of this highly toxic substance in favor of less harmful mind-control drugs. The Agency must cease and desist immediately, or before 2018 at the latest."

A CIA spokesman, identified only as 'Agent X', was quick to respond to the EPA's initiative.

"We realized ages ago that approval would likely be yanked at some point over this whole cancer thing so we have been developing much safer contrail chemicals," claimed Agent X. "We support our EPA brothers in working towards a safer, happier America." 

Unaltered PhotoSome Rights Reserved by emdot flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

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