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Ejection Seats to be Installed on Cars By 2016

Photo: At least he avoided the fiery crash

(SNN) A survey of the world's automotive manufacturers has revealed a plan to include ejection seats as an option which will be available in pricier models by 2016. The seats are the brainchild of engineering firm, Vroom International, who has licensed the technology to most of the major brands. The company estimates widespread use of these ejection seats, or "escape pods" as they are called in their literature, can save hundreds of lives annually.

"At Vroom, safety is our primary concern," said Brandt Noovy-Hickle, Vroom Vice-President in charge of Corporate Spin. "When the car and truck manufacturers makes the odd lemon, or say mass-produces a line of defective products, our product will keep you safe and get you away from the scene of the accident."

The unveiling of the new safety feature did not go without a hitch, however as the hard copy media that were present, whose name was Bob, peppered Noovy-Hickle with questions. At issue was what happens after the ejection sequence is triggered and you're in a tunnel or under an "Eye in the a Sky" traffic helicopter. Even traffic lights and wires from trolley buses could be problematic.

"We believe the first order of business is making sure you're not inside the fiery hulk of melting plastic and fibreglass that used to be your car," said the VP. "Any other consideration is secondary. Besides, once you've left the vehicle, you can't hold the manufacturers responsible for what happens to you afterward. If you leave your car in a bad neighbourhood to pick up some beer and you get mugged, is that the auto maker's fault?"

The Vroom representative denied the safety feature was meant to keep the car builders safe from lawsuits, not vehicle passengers safe from the force of a high-impact collision. He stressed that he was just trying to create a win-win situation between his company and his bankers.

(Bob, who may possibly be the last print journalist, thought the product testing company's blooper reel during the experimental phase was, in his words, "terrifying... I'd rather be in the flaming crash".)

Unaltered PhotoSome Rights Reserved by Steve Jurvetson flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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