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Injecting Stem Cells into Stroke Victim’s Brain Yields Surprising Results

(SNN) -  “Not only did the experiment prevent the patient from having a severe disability,” the neurosurgeon said at a news conference, “he became a more rational human being. Suddenly, it became clear to him that Obama wasn’t a Muslim, that the children, coming across our southern border, shouldn’t be shot to prevent everyone in the country from dying of Ebola, and that we still do have a serious problem with racism.” When asked which development was the most remarkable, he said, “Well, let’s face it. Being able to reverse the effects of a bad stroke pales in comparison to saving our democracy from right-wing extremism.”

Republicans Hijack Labor Day

(SNN) - On a day set aside to praise the Labor Movement for improving worker rights and the expansion of the middle class, Republican politicians take to podiums all over the country to denounce unions for destroying American capitalism.

Teen Pregnancy at All Time Low Thanks to New Program

(SNN) -  “Abstinence education was a total joke,” said the woman who came up with the new program.

“So we decided to do what American education does best - make the most fascinating subjects in the world incredibly boring. And so we made the students do weekly homework assignments, like studying three or four chapters of Masters and Johnson’s research, and gave them weekly tests on it. And it worked. Now, a whole generation can’t even stand to think about sex.”

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DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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