Here are the Latest Headlines The Sage is working on.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Food Flavor Scientist Wins Nobel Peace Prize
(SNN) - In his speech, the Permanent Secretary of the Swedish Academy said, “Because she was able to turn all the flavors of Häagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry’s into no-calorie spices, allowing couch potatoes to sit in front of the TV and pig out on veggies, scientists predict that it will result in an average 43# weight loss worldwide.”
Not every one is happy about this development, though. Lay’s Potatoes Chips, her former employer, is suing. “How dare she do that when we wanted to add all those flavors to our junk food,” their lawyer said.
National Enquirer Offers New Tabloid App
(SNN) - Just enter your favorite celeb’s name, and every week, the app will automatically combine it with some other element, write a tabloid story and find an unflattering photo to go along with it. Some examples from the accompanying YouTube video: A star’s house gets hit with a tornado and police find out, that for years, she’s been a huge Neiman Marcus shoplifter. A former best girlfriend reveals that the real reason the wife divorced your heartthrob was because her psychic told her to do it. Not like she said, that he was a sex addict, screwing every skirt in town.
“We’ve been using it for years now,” said the presenter, “and think the apps sales will greatly exceed the revenue we make on the actual paper.”
TSA Asks Public for Suggestions to Make Waiting Time More Enjoyable
(SNN) - “Things like magicians, sing-along music groups, stand-up comics,” a spokesperson said at the press conference. “Anything but making the lines go faster.”
Read a sample of Ed Toolis’ book, There’s an App for That
More Satire News
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Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
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Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
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How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
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North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
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Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
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It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
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Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
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My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
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Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
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Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...