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New Bill To Limit Cars Top Speed To 75 MPH

Photo: 150 MPH: for when you're late for work

(SNN) - There are always rumors racing around Washington, but the scuttlebutt  lately that is gaining a lot of traction is that the ruling Democrats are about to introduce a bill to force car makers to stop making cars that can go faster than 75 MPH.  Vehicle owners will be forced to get their vehicles retrofitted with speed governors to limit the vehicle’s top end. Citing traffic fatality statistics and serious-looking line charts, sources within the Democratic hierarchy explained how excess speed and the likelihood of a deadly crash are as linked as excessive alcohol consumption is to unexpected pregnancy.

“It just seems crazy to me that we don’t allow drivers to exceed 60 MPH but allow the vehicle manufacturers to produce cars that can go twice the maximum speed limit in any state,” claimed an inside source who did not want to have his name revealed due to the fact he’d forgotten it. “When does a law abiding person ever need to go faster than 75? You’re not even allowed to speed in order to pass someone.”

The hope from the party is that the move will create a lot of work for the automotive trade as cars will be required to have speed limiting technology in place on their vehicles by 2016 or be impounded. The Automotive Repair Association of America has issued a communiqué providing support to the initiative and offering President Obama free oil changes for a lifetime. It also mentions a sale on their 45 point summer checkup.

The move is expected to bring the usual proponents of “freedom” and “personal responsibility” out of the woodwork. Given the low level of concern for the privacy invasions of the government’s security agencies, however, they feel there won't be much pushback from law-abiding citizens who see the inherent benefits of the government deciding how fast their cars should go.

“We have speed limits and nobody is picketing us over them,” said one senior Democrat who wished to remain anonymous because of acute shyness, and a cute secretary on his lap when asked for the interview.  “We are just putting speed limits on cars, not on signs. No one will see this as a big deal.”

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Frederik Hermann flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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