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RCMP Warns Donkey Rustling on Rise

Photo: Dat Ass

(SNN) - News sources far more serious than The Sage News, including Canadian national television network, CTV, are reporting the theft of a donkey in Leduc County, an agrarian-based rural municipality immediately south of Edmonton, Alberta. According to the head of the local RCMP’s Donkey Rustling Division, Staff-Sergeant Teammu Burrows, the crime was committed in broad daylight given that a witness claims the thieves were a couple of broads in a black Jeep Cherokee.

“The Donkey Rustling Division is putting a lot of men on this theft,” vowed Burrows, expectorating into a cuspidor in the RCMP briefing room. “We don’t cotton to donkey rustlers and ass grabbers around these parts. When we catch these low-down varmints, we will prosecute the ornery cayuses to the fullest extent of the law. That’s after we teach them a lesson or two behind the barn, if you know what I mean.”

Although Burrows wouldn’t discuss specifics of the efforts his division employs to fight critter-napping crimes in the county, a freedom of information request from the federal government has revealed some interesting details. According to one document, at least $200,000 has been spent on covert RCMP sting operations in the Leduc County area by division members. These include officers dressing up as donkeys; much like the Edmonton police have hooker-related sting operations in the big city.  

“Pinching someone’s ass is a serious crime and it is our duty to respond quickly to any such situations that arise,” said Burrows. “People need to feel their asses are safe in our jurisdiction. This latest donkey-napping will not go unpunished.”

In a possibly-related story, an article in a local newspaper, The Leduc County World News and Hog Report has featured an article named “If We Did It”. It was written by two anonymous women and describes the reasons they may or may not have stolen a donkey recently. According to the piece, the two had been sent out to pick up a county councilor from an estate auction and got the farms locations mixed up.

Unaltered PhotosSome Right Reserved by Jon Grant. flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original images can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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