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Health Canada to Assign 'Effective Death Dates' to Retirees

PHOTO: HC Spokesman Graham Reaper Takes Questions

(SNN) - Following the release of a BBC report, (found here), that the UK government was going to start advising people nearing retirement on how long they have to live, (sample quiz found here), Health Canada has taken the idea a step further.  According to Health Canada spokesman, Graham Reaper, at a press conference last Monday, HC officials are planning to assign an “effective expiry date” to everyone applying for retirement benefits. Once the person has reached that date, they will automatically be “written off” in the books, after being offered assisted suicide. 

"Those who selfishly refuse the offer,” says Reaper, "will be sent to institutions funded by the government benefits that would have accrued for those that died before their government issued  'best before date'."

Authorities claim the plan will make people become far more health-conscious to avoid scoring poorly on the retirement entrance exam. They also point out this new bureaucracy will create many high-paying jobs in the medical and mental health fields. It will also make financial forecasting much easier when preparing federal budgets. “Win-win all around,” beamed Reaper.

The date will be arrived at by a number of objective inputs, such as:

  • Age
  • Gender
  • Smoking history
  • Drinking history
  • Sexual history,(including photos)
  • Parents and Grandparents' longevity information
  • Parents and Grandparents' sexual history (no photos, please)
  • Hobbies, i.e. Painting, Dancing, climbing Mount Everest, dealing meth
  • Associations, i.e. Lions Club, Royal Canadian Legion, biker gang, etc.
  • Mental handicap
  • Physical handicap
  • Golf handicap
  • GPS monitoring of driving habits
  • Monitoring of eating habits with subcutaneous remote sensing equipment
  • Mental evaluation by government psychiatrists
  • General health, which will include an MRI of the applicant to be scrutinized by government staff.
  • Urine sample
  • Blood sample
  • Stool sample
  • DNA sample
  • Skin sample
  • Semen sample (where applicable)
  • Brain sample (where applicable)

The initiative is not likely to pass, however as the Canadian population has risen up on social media and soundly denounced the plan since it would tie up too many MRI machines and the wait times are too long as it is.

Unaltered Photo: Some Right Reserved by concience: taxes for peace not war.. flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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