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Pennsylvania Man Holds Up Bank With a Loaded Chihuahua

Makes off with the banks only deposit for the day.

(SNN) - In what can only be considered one of the strangest robberies in history a man described as being Caucasian, 5 foot in height, unshaven sporting a mullet, robbed a sperm bank in the village of Intercourse, Pennsylvania armed with a Chihuahua.

Police advised that according to witnesses, the man walked into the bank pointing the Chihuahua at the receptionist stating, “Give me all your deposits!” as he handed her a stainless steel Thermos. As he shoved the Chihuahua in her face, the dog began to snarl and bark in a “very threatening manner.”

“It was terrifying. That dog was crazy. It was growling and spitting all over my desk and the man kept squeezing its stomach making it even angrier,” advised Lynn Loveless receptionist for the John Maxwell House Biobank. “He looked straight at me and said, 'none of that exploding dye stuff either'. Keep it clean or I let Boobits loose.”

The Sage has learned that the bank was low on deposits and in fact at that moment Loveless had no samples in hand. “The only supply we had at that moment was by a client who was in the back making a deposit,” said Loveless, “When I told him, he said 'thats ok, Boobits and I can wait.'” Loveless concluded by saying, “I spent at least another ten minutes being stared down by a hairless rat named Boobits.”

According to Intercourse Authorities, the culprit made off with the booty, the dog and the phone number of the Maxwell House client. The state police have a bank surveillance photo of the man and the dog. But as of Wednesday, no arrest had been made in the case.

Photo: Cassie Randall flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

RELATED NEWS: Chihuahua-toting man is sought in Tucson bank robbery - KGUN9-TV

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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