news director

Please Support our Sponsors

Russians Invent Brave New Winter Sports to Keep World Interested

Photo: Inspiration For Super Mongols Event

(SNN) - Attempting to build attendance and compensate for the fact that there is more snow in Alabama than Sochi, Russian Olympic officials are offering many new sporting attractions. These include:

  • Super Mongols - Hockey players dressed as Genghis Kahn invade the Olympic Village and subjugate its inhabitants  
  • Short Track Derby - Watching people with big thighs skate in tight circles becomes more interesting when they are given hockey sticks and permitted to hit each other
  • Figure Hockey - During penalty shots, well-padded goalies are replaced with male figure skaters wearing nothing but spandex
  • Super-Size Slushie G - The world’s fastest skiers attempt to slalom through sticky and colorful wet snow
  • Snowden Cross - Hackers race to leak confidential documents from countries represented in medal ceremonies
  • Curlski Jump - Curling stones are launched from ski jumps with points awarded for distance, hitting journalists, and crushing dissent
  • Real Life Skeleton- Dead people are sent head first down dangerous luge tracks before rigor mortis sets in
  • Putin the Great - Exhausted athletes try to keep up with the shirtless Russian president as he leads a pub crawl through the Olympic village
  • Colorado Half-Pipe - Snowboarders attempt amazing tricks while smoking pot
  • LGBT Biathlon - Gay skiers race from gulag to gulag as Russian officials shoot at them

To keep the world focused on Sochi until the bitter end, officials also promise that the Olympic Torch will be turned into a giant vodka fountain and Pussy Riot will play the closing ceremonies.

Photo: Some rights reserved by A K Rockefeller flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from R.S. Gompertz



Most Viewed

Promote Your Business

Social Activity

Top ^