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California Makes Marijuana Use Mandatory

Photo: Head of Pot Squad Ensures Adequate Supply for His Staff

(SNN) - In a blatant exhibition of one-upmanship with legalized pot states, Colorado and Washington, the State of California has enacted legislation making it mandatory to ingest THC daily.  The aims of the new law are many-fold, according to state District Attorney Rainbow Skychild who spoke at a press gathering while huffing a hookah.

“The administration has reviewed countless studies which show that widespread marijuana use such as this, (inhales smoke from a bong, then coughs) will have a wonderful effect on our… uh… citizens and will make them happier, less prone to violence, much more docile and easily managed, as well as being.. uh… being happier…. and stuff….”

The DA explained how a household’s Expected Marijuana Use (EMU) will be calculated using census data; then the appropriate amount will be mailed to every home in the state directly and added to their tax bill. So far, the initiative has generated almost a dozen letters of complaint; but the administration is forging on with it. The Director of Economic Development for the state, Sunshine Dreamer Goldberg, was optimistic about the economic activity that will spring from the bold move.

“It will be so cool,” claimed Goldberg. “Can you imagine all these consumers with impaired judgment function? The grocery stores will be doing land-office business assuming check out staff show up.  We are considering exempting some workers from forced cannabis use, however, for safety sake. These will include anyone that requires a sharp mind with good memory recall and the ability to focus on the task at hand, so everyone but government employees.”

The top cop for the state, Peacedove Goebbels, anticipates much less crime with the new legislation, particularly violent crime and speeding violations.

“This will be a win-win situation for everyone,” giggled Goebbels. “Less crime, more fun for everyone! Kumbaya my lord… Kumbaya….”

Photo: Some rights reserved by West Midlands Police  flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endored. Original image can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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