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Toilet Paper Tampering Announced by Activists

Photo: Tensions Mount Over Threats to TP Security

(SNN) - A covert group of arboreal enthusiasts, who identify themselves as the Tree Musketeers, are claiming they have sabotaged packages of toilet paper rolls with doctored ones containing fibreglass shards embedded in the cushiony softness. They are trying to bring awareness of the fact that the bathroom tissue trade is responsible for the deaths of millions of trees annually. The move is reminiscent of the Tylenol scare years ago that led to more stringent packaging protocols across the consumables industries.

"It is hugely irresponsible of mankind to decimate forests just for this filthy purpose," said group spokesman, Arsenio Burch in a public letter written on a rock that had been thrown through a Sage office window. "We have to switch to cleaner, less environmentally harmful ways to get the job done. Rather than using toilet paper, we strongly suggest people switch to bidets."

However, Walter Tremont-Plante, of the conservation group, H2OMG, has condemned bidets as a terrible waste of our precious water resources, In a phone interview, the water security group representative responded to Burch's initiative with a scathing attack on using water for dealing with human waste.

"It is a a colossal waste of water to be using it for sanitary sewer purposes," claimed Reservoir. "We need to be more conscious of our approach to this vital resource. It is our belief that we need to go back to duck necks and corn cobs for that purpose."

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and the North American Corn Producers were both contacted regarding Reservoir's plan, but refused to comment.

Police are requesting that anyone who ends up with the tampered toilet paper should stop using the roll immediately, wash their hands, and bring the offending tissue down to any police headquarters for analysis

PhotoSome Rights Reserved by Kevin Jaako flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. Original picture here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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