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Biz News: Markets Up, Down, Up, Down

Photo: Explaining is Part of the Game

(SNN) - Stock exchange analysts are carefully examining numbers that appear to show most, if not all, money markets go up for a time and then come back down, only to go up again. This constant rising and falling movement causes many market consultants to issue statements concerning this apparent phenomenon, at a cost to their clients, of course.

Sage Business contacted one such consultant, Norm Bercruncher, VP of Market Oscillation for financial giant Oldman-Slachs to get his views on this shocking new data.

"We can't keep up with the demand for our company's services," claimed Bercruncher. "Every time the markets rise, no matter how slightly, we have to issue opinions on what caused it to rise. Then, every day they continue to increase, we have to explain why they are increasing some more. Eventually, however, they will go down again and so we have to guess at why they went down. It's like a full-time job; a really lucrative full-time job.

Bercruncher explained further that people aren't satisfied with being told that markets do go up and down naturally and that they always have and always will. This means the analysts have to make up stuff to explain the rises and falls; interest rate concerns, consumer confidence figures, durable goods orders, that sort of thing. Luckily, no one could ever prove what really causes anything on the stock market to do what it does. Therefore, analysts pretty much have carte blanche to explain this mysterious cyclical rising and falling.

"We tried to tell people that going up and down is just what markets do, but that wasn't good enough for them," said Bercruncher. "It's not our fault we have to make up reasons for it. We are just giving the people what they want. No one ever went broke giving stupid people what they want in exchange for lots of money."

Photo: Some rights reserved Mike Baehr flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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