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Futurist Predicts 2014 Events

Photo: One of Our Futurist's Favorite Tools


(SNN) - At great expense, the Sage News has hired world renown futurist consultant, Dr. Seymour Distant, to weigh in on what is to come in the year ahead. Distant, who has advised such entities as The Bilderberg Group, the Nobel Selection Committee and the marketing wing of Honest Bob’s Mini-Golf and Reptile Ranch, has brought his massive intellect to bear on the trends of 2014.

SNN: What will be the biggest news stories of 2014 in World politics?

Distant: I see there will be much unrest in the Middle East.  Great changes will occur in some of these countries as they struggle with the big questions of “Who are we as a people?”, “What values do we hold as important enough to enshrine in our laws?”, and “Is allowing women to drive really such a hot idea, anyway?” I see Iran possibly working with UN inspectors, or not. I see the Syrian situation maybe being resolved or, perhaps, continuing on. I see the Muslim Brotherhood witch-hunts in Egypt ceasing, or possibly, even expanding. Only time will tell.

SNN: Seriously? We paid that much money for “only time will tell”? What do you see as the most critical events in the entertainment world developing in 2014?

Distant: Hey, journalists use that "only time will tell" stuff all the time. Entertainment-wise, I envision a world no longer dominated by such superficial talents as Justin Bieber, Robin Thicke, and Miley Cyrus. The bottom thrusting will be, once more confined to gentlemen’s clubs, certain Internet sites, and the imaginations of over-stimulated adolescent males.  Instead, we will have a new crop of heart throbs; products of reality shows, Youtube videos and other similar dreck that manages to catch the eye of the masses. It could be worse, we could be stuck with Bieber, Thicke and Cyrus for another year.

SNN: What advances do you see in the technology fields?

Distant: I see stupendous leaps in computing software that will allow celebrities to charge for downloading their sex tapes they’ve “accidently” put on the Internet. I see the rudiments of Star Trek “Holodecks” that young nerds will use to create the Star Wars universe, since the characters are more compelling. I see a new music media gaining ascendancy which will mean updating all your tunes once more, with your MP3 players and iPods getting stored along with your Discman, your cassette deck, your 8 track player and your vinyl records. I also see the Large Hadron Collider in Europe being used for its original purpose; to create a wormhole to somewhere more interesting than Earth; so, like, anywhere else. I see dual purpose drones that will not only save Timmy from the well, which was formerly Lassie’s job, but then being able to laser little Timmy with a death ray if he has any marijuana on him.

SNN: What do you see for mankind as a whole for the New Year?

Distant: I think it’s safe to say we are all pretty screwed. Personally, I’m flying to France to visit that collider and take the next wormhole out of here.


Photo: Some rights reserved by bark flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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