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Church Leader Blames Ford For Ice Storm

Photo: Pastor Foster Trapped In Beach House Over Holidays

(SNN) - The spiritual leader of The Universal Church of the Indignant Self-Righteous, Pastor Nestor Foster, has told his followers that the record and power-line breaking ice storm in Toronto was retribution for the city voting in such a flawed sinner as Rob Ford.

“This plague of frozen vengeance is God smiting these modern day Sodom-dwellers,” railed the pastor from his holiday home in Belize. “If the city of Toronto and the whole GTA wish to avoid further smiting, they must cast out this demon of drug use and alleged unwilling female fanny patting. We must find someone who only wants to be mayor because of their passion for their beliefs, someone with no personal agenda whatsoever; someone just doing it for love, like I do, for my church and every single one of my precious followers.”

Pastor Foster explained that he is particularly aggrieved that Ford causing the ice storm seriously affected his ability to do God’s work. With the airports shut down, he was trapped in his humble beach house for almost three days waiting to attend to his flock

“I fly my own jet back and forth from Belize to my parish every week to make sure I stay well grounded and close to my congregation,” claimed Foster. “When I was unable to land, due to the poor conditions, it deprived my parishioners of my presence at a most crucial period in the religious calendar.  Everyone is so giving at this time of year. I can no more afford to lose out on the Christmas rush than Walmart can. I was seriously considering suing the mayor but my lawyer says I would have to take a number.”

Foster could not be reached to comment on how he happens to know how God thinks, as he was away taking care of some banking business in the Cayman Islands.

Photo by Chris Gray flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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