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U.S. reports Hummus connected to the deaths of thousands

NSA and CIA leaks spark action from Department of Health and Human Services


(SNN) - A recent leak from within the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) has claimed that hummus is responsible for killing thousands and will most likely continue to cause more human suffering, which could have the Sabra Dipping Company seeing red. Sabra, the largest producer of “Hummus” in the world, is not a stranger to international controversy. In 2011, Sabra came under fire when it was alleged that the company had connections to Israel, which sparked a boycott of their products.

Internal CIA memo connects hummus to terrorism.

The Sage has learned that the leak first came to the attention of the public when a memo was found amongst documents exposed by Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker. As it turns out, the NSA had been bugging the offices of the CIA and intercepted a report pointing to hummus as a threat to American lives. The report did not make any direct link to the Sabra Dipping Company.

“Hummus is a food spread,” claimed Sabra spokesperson Agra Hirium, “It causes no death, what do they know? Have they even tried it?” Agra was quick to add, “For God sake, it is only chick peas... oy vey!”

The memo claims, “Hummus has killed more than 400 Israelis and has been responsible for even more deaths throughout the world.” The Sage has learned that the memo has the U.S. Government seriously looking into legislation that will remove chick pea paste from all food imports, forcing food manufacturers to label processed foods with hummus as its main ingredient. “It's not often that the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services works with the CIA,” claimed Dr. Karen DeSalvo, “but we take any health threat from hummus very seriously and we have a responsibility to protect the livelihood of all Americans.”

Hummus crisis exposes CIA weakness.

A response from Avril Haines, Deputy Director of the CIA, revealed that the information coming from the agency was in error. “It was just one of those things,” claimed Haines. “Our agent made an itsy, bitsy little mistake, and everyone gets their panties in a bunch.” In an uncharacteristic move from a top CIA executive, Haines downplayed the fact that the leak had put into motion sweeping changes in American food processing legislation. “Look,” added Haines, “our agency didn't catch the spelling mistake; what we meant to write was that the “Hamas” was responsible for killing people, not hummus.” Haines was quick to add. “It happens.”


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