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Dennis Rodman Replaces Executed Kim Jong-un Uncle

Hoop Star Next In Line to Kim, Going Up the Charts With a Bullet

(SNN) - In a move that had the tongues of diplomats worldwide wagging, Korean dictator and crime boss, Kim “Fat Kimmy” Jung-un has appointed Dennis Rodman to succeed Kim’s now-disgraced and summarily executed dear uncle, Jang Song Thaek, as the only other person in Kim’s inner circle.

“I am very excited at this opportunity to advise my fat little friend, Jong-Boy… that’s what he gets me to call him, you know, though I prefer Li’l Kim,” confided the former NBA star in a telephone interview from Pyongyang. “Me and Tubby are tight. I hope to work from the inside to bring peace and prosperity to that country; unless, of course, reform conflicts with Jong-Boy’s plans. I don’t aim to get myself executed. I’ll do whatever I have to.”

As part of his responsibilities, Rodman is expected to handle all the duties Kim’s late, deeply missed uncle was responsible for, including the highly sensitive international industrial co-operation sites, managing the public service and marrying Kim’s aunt.

 It is rumoured the removal had to do with Kim and his uncle arguing over expanding international trade and adhering more closely to international norms of leadership. A nervous Rodman stated emphatically he wanted nothing to do with expanding anything but his bank account and that having to become Kim’s uncle as part of the deal hadn’t been discussed but was dropped on him at the last minute.

“I’m crapping cinderblocks, here, brother,” Rodman said at the end of the telephone interview. “Somebody’s got to get me out of here! Call the State Department! Call my lawyer! Help! Hey, man! That’s my phone! Hey! Let go of… OW!”

Rodman’s life insurance provider has cancelled his policy and returned the premiums he’d paid to date claiming his risk exposure is higher than a bomb disposal expert with the shakes. They did, however wish him a “merry, whatever North Koreans celebrate”. By all reports, the only thing North Koreans appear to celebrate is food.

Photo by: Open Sports flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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