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Fortune Cookies Get Pushy

Messages Now Contain Ads, Warnings, Propositions

(SNN) - Chinese food restaurants are struggling with a spate of rogue fortune cookies with business owners outraged at the situation.  The usual fortunes, such as “You will receive a letter soon,” are being replaced with ones more cheeky, “That wasn’t chicken you ate,” or menacing, “Our delivery guy knows where you live,” or pushy, “Chinese food gift cards make great holiday gifts!”.

Professor Emeril Kerr, of Harvard’s Fortune Cookie Studies Department ,who was brought in to investigate the matter, was perplexed; but he offered a theory.

“We believe there are Chinese restaurant “gang wars” happening, where competing eateries try and sabotage their competition with dirty tricks. The cookies are just the tip of the asparagus,” said Kerr. “There must be operatives within the restaurants working against the owners. They are like double agents or what we in the business call “counter staff”. How either group is getting the messages inside the cookies is not clear. It is a bigger mystery than the Caramilk secret.”

The Fortune Cookie Task Force has collected over 300 compromised fortunes. Among them are these obviously planted specimens.

“You were seated way in the back, by the kitchen, for a reason.”

“Tip big. The owners here are cheap bastards.”

“Take Out orders receive a 10% discount so you don’t hang around uglying up our restaurant.”

“For a great time, call Xao the dishwasher. I get off at 1:00 AM.”

“Don’t ask what makes the hot and sour soup sour. You won’t like the answer.”

“If you order in English, we spit in your food.”

Officials are advising the public not to eat the cookie if the fortune seems suspicious. Not that anyone ever eats the cookie part anyway.

Photo by:Seth Werkheiser flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed


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