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Garment Company Picketed By Angry Seniors

Grannies Misled About Nature of Business

(SNN) - A clutch of gray-haired ladies shuffled back and forth in front of The Acme Ugly Christmas Sweater Company (AUCSC) to protest unfair treatment by the business. The elderly women, many using canes and walkers, were aided by their children and caregivers to help them hold up their carefully crafted needlepoint protest signs.  The lovely signage contained such slogans as “Stop the Elder Abuse”, and “AUCSC Can Lick My Colostomy Bag!”.

“We were completely misled by this company,” spat Eunice Johnson, a 77-year old spinster from a nearby senior’s lodge that has a number of AUCSC ‘supply contractors’ living there. “We work our fingers to the bone to create lovely, unique sweaters with cheery Christmas designs. We think they are beautiful! We had no idea the company sells them as ‘ugly’. The nerve!”

“I nearly cried when they told me that the company I had agreed to work for, ‘Really Attractive Christmas Sweaters Inc,' was just a front for the AUCSC,” agreed Edna Rickman, a 70 year-old knitter holding a crocheted sign saying ‘Our sweaters aren’t ugly. YOU’RE ugly!’. “The whole thing is ridiculous anyway. How can penguins riding polar bears be ugly?”

Another wool worker who claimed to be 82, and would only give the name Charo, wept as she related her story.

“I haven’t been this embarrassed since I posed naked for a guy who was supposed to be shooting for a specialty fat women site but I was instead put in a granny site,” she said, wiping her nose. “How can they call this sweater ugly? It makes you look like a Christmas tree and, see? It’s got a star-shaped hat to top off the ensemble!”

Officials from the company refused to be interviewed but issued a statement claiming they paid fair price for the sweaters. Were it not for the company, they added, the old biddies would not have any market for the horrendously unsightly fruits of their labors whatsoever. They asserted there are only so many nerds and masochists. They did apologize for any feelings hurt, but knew they could never get them to knit what they knit if they knew the truth.

Photo by: Matt McKerracher All Rights Reserved

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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