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Advice For Rob Ford: 'Smoke Pot; It Worked For JT!'

PR Firm Spells Out Phoenix Plan For Ashes of Ford's Career

(SNN) - Although much pilloried, Rob Ford is not without his supporters and those that wish him well. In the spirit of humanity towards the damaged man, the public relations firm, We R PR Inc, has sent Toronto’s much maligned mayor, Rob Ford, a game plan for reclaiming his lost dignity and stature in the community.

The Sage News has been given a copy of the letter via a plain brown envelope slid under the door of our Toronto Bureau offices into our “Secret Plain Brown Envelope In-box”. Here are some of the specifics of the plan.

  1. Switch from crack to weed. When Justin Trudeau admitted he had blown a doobie or two, his approval rating went higher than hits for the “Blurred Lines” video. Smoking pot makes you look cool, hip, and part of the modern generation. Smoking crack makes you seem creepy. Watching the “Blurred Lines” video in public makes one seem creepy, too, so avoid it at all costs.
  2. STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE!!! Nobody likes to be yelled at, even members of the Toronto Star. Try and see their side. They need a story. Give them something that will get people talking about anything but your drug use. Maybe give them a twerk or two. It helps Miley Cyrus make people forget her singing ability.
  3. The age of the big fat guy is drawing to a close, thanks to Mike Duffy. Consider shedding a few pounds. This will stop the “He’s got 20 kilos of crack hidden in his pants,” sorts of jokes. Wear more vertical stripes. If the diet thing goes poorly, you might consider getting a head-to-toe tattoo of a really skinny guy. Maybe Geddy Lee could pose.
  4. Remember who your friends are.  Listen to them. They care about you. No, not the friends handing you a crack pipe when they are filming you, but your other friends; the ones that buy you beer.
  5. Stop being in embarrassing videos. When you see anyone, anywhere, pull out their phone, leave the area immediately. Even if what you’re doing is innocent, it will be edited to show you in a bad light anyway, so don’t ever feel you’re safe from prying eyes. No one is anymore. If you’re going to be engaged in sketchy activity, perhaps think about wearing one of those Guy Fawkes masks that are all the rage. Tell people you’re a Femen protestor. Use a different voice.
  6. Failing the above, buy time on TV and tell the world everything. Make sure you cry a lot. Don’t leave anything out, as each drib and dab that’s been released has only served to elongate the process. Come clean. Throw yourself on the mercy of the court of public opinion. Everyone loves an underdog story of failure and fighting back against all odds to reclaim former popularity. Just look at Jack Layton’s visit to that rub ‘n tug emporium.

In conclusion, don’t underestimate the power of sympathy. Even the Senators that were suspended ended up with the sympathy vote. Too bad it’s the only vote they will face.

Photo by: Jackman Chiu flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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