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Study Proves Cigarettes Cure Cancer

Finally Some Great News For Smokers


(SNN) - Researchers from the internationally respected research firm, Respected Research Firm International, have published a paper that appears to indicate cigarettes don’t just cause cancer but fight cancer, as well. In the esteemed medical journal, The New England Journal of Medicinal Tobacco, Dr. Nick Craven outlines how the ingestion of toxic chemicals from cigarettes helps to fight cancers and other invasive growths within the body, such as the spleen.

“We should have realized that since smoking tobacco ravages the body so badly, it also ravages individual cells, too, including cancerous ones,” said Craven in the treatise. “The researchers in the study group were amazed to see, under a scanning electron microscope, cancer cells coughing and wheezing and ultimately dying a premature death. Seeing the cells wracked with spasms and pain outside the little cell hospitals trying to get one last nicotine molecule was disturbing. Still, it is indicative that smoking does kill these cells, which is an exciting development. Unfortunately, it also kills the patient before it can kill all the cancer.”

Critics of the report have already jumped on the conclusion of the study group, describing it as “smoke and mirrors”. They suggest findings from the University of Virginia Tobacco are often slanted, due to the millions of dollars of grant money given the institution by cigarette manufacturers, although tobacco companies vigorously deny the charge.

“Science is science, no matter who is paying the tab,” said one industry insider who wished to be known as Deep Lung, although his name is Frank Wattlebotham, Vice-President of Spin for Marlboro. “If a guy in a white lab coat says it’s so, it must be.”


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