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Cops Find New Uses For Tasers

PHOTO: Members Test Tasers To Find Lethal Limit

(SNN) - A new report issued by the police commission has discovered a number of disturbing new trends in the use of Tasers by the constables on patrol. Among them, the concept of "fair game" offenders has grown to include 87 year-old paraplegics. Of equal concern was the trend that Tasers are now being deployed in ways unintended by the manufacturer.

In one officer's log, for example, a charged weapon was used to get a cat out of a tree. In another, it was used to exact a confession from a 21 year-old man who admitted to killing every single person currently in the department's casebooks, as well as all their cold cases dating back three decades. There was even a report of an officer cooking a hotdog with his taser "to show perps what will happen if they don't comply". The frankfurter was described as “horribly overdone” when the department member completed his audio/visual display, but still quite tasty; “sort of like wiener jerky or a turkey pepperette”, according to the report.

Police Commissioner Arnold Ziffel was very pleased with the document when it was presented to the board.

“We are very proud of our members’ resourcefulness and initiative for using this new policing tool in the creative ways they described,” said Ziffel at the commission meeting last Tuesday. “The one officer, for example, that used his taser to teach an eight year-old boy a lesson in bullying was brilliant. I don’t think that child will ever bully another, assuming he comes out of the coma.”

Other uses for the tasers listed in the report included warming up the glaze on a donut, subduing an escaped parakeet and midnight fishing in a trout pond to bring the fish to the surface.

“Let’s face it,” said Ziffel. “Tasers are great for fun, but if you are facing a serious situation, I’m still going to recommend to our members they should stick with what has worked for centuries; use your service revolver to shoot first and ask questions later.”

Photo by: North Dakota National Guard flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

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