news director

Please Support our Sponsors

Mike Duffy Named to National Cork Sucking Team

Champion For Years, He Competed Under Alias 'Dike Muffy'


(SNN) - Beleaguered Senator Mike Duffy has had a bit of sunshine break through the cloud over his massive head when The Canadian Wine Makers Guild announced he had once again made the team in the “Oral Cork Removal” event at their bi-annual Oenolympics to be held in Kelowna in June of 2014.

In Duffy’s featured event, contestants are required to remove various styles of corks from sealed bottles of wine using only their mouths.  Competitors can tease it out with their teeth once they get it up far enough, but most of the hard going is accomplished with just the power of suction. The competitors are timed and the fastest combined speed of three varieties of corks; plastic with a knob, natural cork with a knob or the straight natural cork that gets rammed all the way down the neck.

Other wine-centric sporting events include an endurance competition involving juggling magnums of Royal DeMaria’s premium Chardonnay Icewine 2000 on a concrete floor, cask tossing, and the pinnacle event: “Most Ostentatious Description of a Sip of Wine”.

“We’re very excited to have Mr. Duffy compete in the Oenolympics,” said event organizer, Maritime Beverage Commissioner, Chet O. “Pop de Newf” Rothschild.  “We understand his strength is his large, mis-shapened head which, in fact, contains a vacuum and we all know how nature abhors a vacuum. This feature of his skull may, perhaps, affect his judgment in some things but does allow him to suck corks like a champion. We do understand Mr. Duffy is some kind of politician or something, but we try not to get too political. We didn’t even recognize his name at first since, when competing, he has always used the pseudonym of Dike Muffy.

When contacted for a comment, Muffy stipulated he not be directly quoted or allow any recording devices, but did confirm that he has been a cork sucker for decades; long before he was appointed to the senate. Many on Parliament Hill whisper, however, that he would never have received the senate appointment, had he not worked his way up to become Stephen Harper’s personal cork sucker.


Photo by: Michael Summers flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
More from Chris McKerracher

 

Recent

Most Viewed

Promote Your Business


Social Activity



Top ^