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New App Translates Keith Richards into English

Bob Dylan Translate App Development Abandoned as Unworkable

(SNN) - Rolling Stones fans are still celebrating the recent announcement of “Keith Speak,” a new app that translates Keith Richards’ speaking patterns into intelligible English.

Known for his shrill harmonies, two-fingered guitar style and liberal drug polices, the founding member of the group has been largely incomprehensible since 1969.  Fans and critics agree that “I just snorted me daddy’s ashes” was Keith’s last intelligible sentence.
Until now.

“Keith Speak” uses computational linguistics to break the rock star’s sentences into a series of basic sounds and then rearrange them into known words and attempted phrases.  App reviewers agree that the results are generally better than Keith’s original sentence.

That said, there is no real way to verify accuracy. What sounds like Keith shouting “Rock you black smoke Tillamook cheese factory” during a recent concert in Los Angeles, translates to “It’s good to be back in Portland.” 

While critics were quick to point out that the Stones’ recent tour didn’t pass through Portland,  the app creator countered that Keith probably didn’t know where he was when he made the comment.

The app has an entertaining mode where normal speech patterns can be translated into “Keith Speak.” The accuracy of this feature is undeniable. When I mumbled, “Gargle fizzle wah-wah pedal,” the app quickly spat back, “I can’t get no satisfaction.”

“I read his auto-biography but didn’t understand a word,” said Pete Wailer, the app designer. “I heard that Keith has started using the app to better understand himself.”

Keith Richards issued a statement but no one understood it.

Photo by: Christiaan Tonnis flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

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