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Helium-Filled Train Cars Jump Tracks: Float Away

Photo: Emergency Workers With Funny Voices Watch Helplessly

(SNN) - Another horrific rail accident which occurred just outside of Climax, Saskatchewan, has once again raised the question of train safety in this nation. A series of chemical cars, owned by US rail giant, Trains R’ Us, had become uncoupled when the train had, reportedly, ran over a penny on the tracks. Although the ammonia-based fertilizer and diesel gas leakages into a boxcar loaded with three inch framing nails was a concern, the biggest worry was the three cars filled with helium that broke free and floated off. The cars were last seen heading toward Manitoba, being pushed by the prevailing winds.

“It was the dangedest thing I ever saw,” said Climax’s volunteer fire marshal, Ferlin Muskie, who witnessed the crash. “The rail cars were whipping through town like a frickin freight train when suddenly it seemed to hit something solid on the tracks and then all hell broke loose. The cars all bucked off the tracks, jackknifing like a Swiss Army weapon. Then these cars started hissing out different chemicals and everyone in the vicinity started talking really funny. Next thing you know, the helium cars broke free and started heading East. We contacted the airport in Saskatoon and Regina to let them know the situation. The last thing we need is a train, plane mid-air collision. I sure hope I get my penny back, too.”

Spokesman for the rail company, Owen Bideway, was on the scene quickly.  He seemed perplexed by the situation when interviewed by the reporters who had descended on the town. Besides the national media, the story was even being covered by area towns, including The Invermay Inquirer, The  Weyburn Weekly World News and Hog Report, and The Frenchman’s Butte Bugle.

“This is the first time we’ve had helium cars get disconnected from the train and float away,” asserted Bideway. “The heavier commodities we haul are always enough weight to keep the helium units grounded. We suspect overfilling occurred by the contractor and that the company is not responsible for the tragedy. Thank God no lives were lost, though. That creates a lot of paperwork and sometimes even some bad publicity.”

The government department responsible for trains, Transport Canada, says they cannot get involved in the situation because as soon as the rail cars became airborne, they became the responsibility of the Canadian Air Transportion Safety Board. CATSB representatives, however, deemed the problem to be a land-based mode of transportation and refused to be involved.

”If a guy drives his car off the cliff, it doesn’t become an air disaster, no matter how long he stays aloft,” pointed out CATSB communications manager, Fanny Smegma.  “We can’t be held responsible for everything that manages to achieve flight that was not designed to. Otherwise we’d have to do something about Justin Bieber’s ego.”

People along the flying freight car’s path who have spotted the trains, dubbed “Rail-sighters” by CBC’s Terry Malarkey, have helped track the errant shipment but as the cars gained altitude, reports dwindled to nothing. If seen, please contact the Trains ‘R Us lost and found department. A fifty dollar gift card is offered for the helium cars’ return.

Photo by: Kelly Huston flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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