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Good News: Michele Bachmann to be Swept Up in the Rapture

And it could happen any day now!

(SNN) - U.S. Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota), who has enraptured constituents from North Woods, Minnesota to Scott Walker’s rural Wisconsin, is all packed and ready to be swept up in the Rapture, which she says will happen “super soon.”  “We are in God’s End times,” a hyper Bachmann told Christian radio host, Jan Markell, in a recent interview on the radio show, Understanding The Times.  “Barack Hussein Obama has brought the world to the brink of extinction,” Bachmann continued. “He is buddying up to al-Qaeda. He is allowing weapons to go to the Syrian opposition. We need all those guns for our streets here at home!  It’s a clear sign that our days here on Earth are numbered.  

Bachmann has been talking non-stop about gathering up a chosen group of Tea Party hardliners to accompany her on the trip. One of the Sage’s most reliable sources, an unnamed nervous atheist, has learned that Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has been hand-picked by Bachmann to serve as assistant recruiter for the newly christened group, Raptured Radicals. “Not only does he talk as much as I do,” rambled Bachmann, “but he is kinda cute. Good choice, don’t you think?”

Our nervous Sage reporter, still a bit shaken by Bachmann’s crazy idea that most of us will soon be turned to salt, and her crazier idea that Obama is in cahoots with al-Qaeda, caught up with Bachmann’s failed presidential campaign speech interpreter, Iam Wacko II, to explain what this Rapture thing is all about.  Mouth agape, the astonished Wacko replied, “Oh, for crying out loud, do I have to explain? I’ll just say that when Jesus comes to sweep us up into the clouds, you won’t be coming along!”

Rumor has it that Bachmann has contacted Fox News and The Rachel Maddow Show to ask that reporters and cameras be sent immediately to the Jersey Boardwalk, the reported venue for the cloud event. Fox officials eagerly accepted, Maddow not so politely declined, and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is ticked off that he was not consulted. (It was learned that the original venue was on the steps of Capitol Hill, but with the government shutdown, the group will not be allowed to pass beyond the yellow tape.)

Our fact checkers were unable to reach Bachmann for verification on this story. She has asked for privacy to allow her time to throw a few things into her suitcase. Among her must-haves for the trip include her Sephora make-up collection, pilfered legal documents from her pending court case, and her gold-framed, signed picture of President George W. Bush, which reads, “To Michele, You will always be my favorite groupie. Keepin’ it real. Love, Georgie.”

Photo: Some rights reserved by Nestor's Blurrylife flickr phtostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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