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Defence Dept to Save $1.2B Reassigning Troops to Civilian Jobs

Photo: Cpl. Lamda Slaughter, Ordinance Expert, Transitions to Farming Job

(SNN) - In an effort to rein in its traditionally lavish spending on Canada’s military, the government known as “Harper Inc.” is redeploying combat troops to roles in private companies. The Canadian Forces is looking to divest their employee base of 4800 human killing machines by finding placements for the surplus soldiers in high risk jobs such as security guards at Justin Bieber concerts, cabbies and convenience store/gas bar workers. The government hopes to trim $1.2 billion from their budget. Most Canadians polled were actually surprised their nation’s military budget even came close to $1.2 billion.

“People who are trained to kill adversaries with their bare hands are highly sought after in the private sector,” claimed Major Dee Lemma, an armed forces spokes-soldier based in National Defence Headquarters, although in a rather cramped, non-descript office she insisted we mention. “If enough of our expendable deadly force specialists can be placed in taxis and 7/11’s across the land, the criminal element may think twice before ‘jacking a cab or sticking up a gas station. If they think a Canadian Rambo is going to come through the Plexiglas protectors at them during a holdup, they may think twice about their poor life choices. The criminals, I mean.”

Other industries, some not even in the low-end, service-sector jobs that ex-army types usually get, are expected to be interested in picking up the army surplus personnel. Home appraisal companies have expressed an interest in getting tactical troops into their field to conduct night training exercises for their wealthier clients. In some business situations, it is advantageous to have the appraisal done, inside the home and out, without the occupant being aware their house had been infiltrated. Banks and governments will find this type of service upgrade most interesting.

“We believe that moving these very skilled weapons-capable individuals into mainstream businesses is a great idea,” said Lemma. “Having strong, muscular, battle-scarred men and women with their blunted emotional capacity regarding death on the job, sprinkled about the private sector, can’t possibly go wrong.”

Photo by: US Army Europe Images flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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