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US Government shuts down, all nonessential employees terminated

Mexicans fill positions

(SNN) – The United States has shut down all nonessential government services, due to the inability of the Congress, the House of Representatives and the Senate to approve the new budget. The US financial year ended on September 30th, and as a result hundreds of thousands of government workers woke to the news that they were placed on unpaid leave.

“It is unfortunate, but we had to identify services within the government that were nonessential,” advised Richard Wahd, head of the US Department of Essential Services. The D.E.S. have issued discharge notices to all paid nonessential federal employees. “We then put the 'Obama plan B' into effect.”

The plan: Within thirty minutes of the emergency, Dick's department tweeted, shared and boosted on Social Media that they are looking for patriots to come forth and volunteer to fill positions until Capital Hill can get it together.

“We posted a call for true patriots on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. We called for citizens who do truly love this country to fill positions,” stated Dick. “The response was overwhelming.” Dick reported that workers started to show up at street corners, and parking lots. “We rented Budget Rent-a-trucks, pulled up to the street corners and the workers just piled in," advised Dick.

Within six hours, over 150,000 positions where filled by undocumented immigrants, “Since my office was the only department not affected, we took the responsibility to fill the most important nonessential position,” advised Dick. “The first priority was to ensure that we placed an acting President.”

Dick added that once he appointed an acting head of state, he was relieved of any further responsibilities. “I was very relieved once I filled the head of the executive branch.” reported Dick, “I am pleased to report that the Acting President is José Jiménez of no-fixed-address."

“It is so cool man; I checked, and under the U.S. Constitution, I can hire anybody I want!” proclaimed Acting President Jiménez, “I got a bunch of good dudes I met crossing that needed the job, so I filled them.”

Under Article II of the U.S. Constitution the President is provided executive powers that charge him with the execution of federal law, including the responsibility of appointing federal executive, diplomatic, regulatory, and judicial officers.

As a result, former cucumber picker, El Chiquitillo was appointed the Vice-President's portfolio.

“The job was daunting,” advised Jiménez. The following workers completed the last five positions of the Cabinet: Jesus Jalapeno (Agriculture), EL Chupacabras (Defense), Mister Pancho (Education), Cheech Marin (Health), Rudolfo Mondo (Homeland Security).

“I don't know why Obama and those Teabaggers had such a fight over healthcare,” proclaimed Jiménez, “I just declared all health care free and if the doctors don't like it they can deal with EL Chupacabras and his boys.”

The Sage learned that all the positions were filled by undocumented immigrants, and the crisis was averted. Further it was reported that a Saucedo Locksmith service vehicle was seen parked out front of the White House.

Photo: Some rights reserved by Paul R. Alexander flicker photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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