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Teabaggers Plan to Storm New York Stock Exchange

Determined to Bring Down U.S. Economy

(SNN) - BREAKING NEWS: Hearing that Obamacare will go forward even if the U.S. government shuts down on October 1st, Republican Teabagger Ted Cruz and his raging band of groupies, Rubio, Rand, and Roberts, are planning to bring a strong message to Barack Obama and the Dems.  The Sage caught up with former congressional representative Todd Akin, who was asked if the rumor was true. “They’re going to shut that whole thing down!”, whooped Akin. “This raid they’re planning… this raid on the stock, it will be a legitimate raid. I think there should be some punishment for an administration that plans to give the working poor a shot at good health care.”  

Shocked at the plan and Akin’s response, our Washington correspondent, a caring Canadian with all the health care he could ever want, asked Akin if he realized that his cronies were working against their best interests if they carried out their plan.  “After all, you’re the party of the rich, Mr. Akin, Your friends in the U.S. House are harming their wealthy buddies and their buddies’ wealthy buddies and the Koch Brothers.  Are you nuts?  Why would the GOP want to turn Wall Street into Penny Lane?”  “Not to worry,” Akin laughed, “Our buddies have friends in high places, like Switzerland. Then, we have all those king sized Sleep Numbers and Tempurpedics...our money is safe.”

It’s been rumored that a significant number of members from the New York City branch of the National Rifle Association will shore up the ranks of the Teabaggers just in case there is resistance. Brokers at the NYSE are wise to the plan. Sales of bulletproof vests are up 90%.  “We’re not taking any chances,” said Samuel E. Byensell, chief broker and ticker board monitor. “Our computers are chained and encrypted. We also took measures to hide Waldo, our legendary Opening Bell, somewhere on Main Street, U.S.A. Let those radicals send out their best teabaggin’ sleuth.  No one will ever find Waldo!”

THIS JUST IN: It’s reported that Cruz and the gang just got word that Wall Street is onto them and he has already placed a call to Byensell.  Cruz had two words for Byensell: “Just kidding!”  Bysensell’s reported reply to Cruz: “It’s too late. The Dow is down 70.06 points and the Nasdaq isn’t doing much better.  We’re screwed.”

Photo: "New York Stock Exchange entrance" Some rights reserved by ralphunden flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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