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David Suzuki: Suffering from Rare Terminal Illness

Government has him on a National Quarantine.


(SNN) - Famous Canadian Environmentalist Dr. David Suzuki was stricken earlier this week when he contracted a rare disease known to scientists as H2P1. The disease, which is normally confined to small groups in Canada, attacked Dr. Suzuki while he was travelling in Australia. Doctors in that country are worried that the rare strain broke the Canadian borders, and Dr. Suzuki could be Australia's version of “Typhoid Mary”

“This is extremely serious,” stated Dr. Wing Nutt, head of socio-medicine at the University of Sydney. “Dr. Suzuki is very ill, quite frankly we are worried, he may just go by his own hands.”

According to experts, H2P1, or Hyper Harper Phobia, is characterized by cold sweats, an over-bearing feeling of paranoia, a cacophony of fears and emotions and an irrational sense of imminent apocalypse.

Symptoms of H2P1 in Dr. Suzuki first belched its ugliness, while he was being interviewed on Australia's ABC TV network Monday, when he advised host Tony Jones that Canadian PM Steven Harper was secretly building prisons in an effort to arrest all eco-activists on crimes he believes the government is clandestinely devising at this very moment. "In Canada, we now have a government that is increasing the number of prisons at a time when the rate of crime has been dropping steadily over the last 10 years," stated Suzuki, "So I'm wondering, I'm not a guy that thinks about conspiracies, but I'm wondering whether our Prime Minister thinks he's going to be creating new categories of crime, like eco-terrorism."

The interview quickly deteriorated into cold sweats, and stress incontinence, causing the show to be cut short. Emergency Medics were brought in to examine host Tony Jones, while Suzuki wrung his hands, stroked his beard and began twitching. “We are concerned that exposure to David Suzuki may have taken down Mr. Jones,” advised Dr. Wing Nutt.

The news had Ottawa on full alert; which prompted the Canadian government to restrict all flights from Australia from entering Canadian Airspace. “We are concerned that Dr. Suzuki could be stricken with the worse strain of H2P1, stated the Minister of Health, Rona Ambrose, “We will miss David Suzuki; I'm afraid the Australians will just have to keep him.” Ms. Ambrose was quick to add, “It's for the good of all Canadians.”

Prime Minister Steven Harper was not available for comment.


Photo: "David Suzuki avoiding eye contact" photograph courtesy of Some rights reserved by rhygin flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. 

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