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Newly Minted American Ambassador to Undergo Canadianization

Bruce Heyman Vows to Change His Surname to 'Ehman'


(SNN) - Bruce A. Heyman was so driven to become U.S. Ambassador to Canada, he not only sold off the parts of Canada he had accidently bought up to add to his sprawling investment portfolio, but has even agreed to change his name to a more Canadian-sounding moniker; “Ehman”. Although it is not required by the laws of either country, the Goldman-Sachs bigwig and top Obama fundraiser, has also agreed to go through the process of cram-Canadianization. It is like a very intensive, university-level crash course in the cultural touchstones important to the citizens of that country; except that if he fails, he still gets to be the ambassador

“I’m really excited about this opportunity to find out what these, what are they called… Canadians? What they are all about,” beamed Hey… er… Ehman at a press conference. “I’ve never actually been to Canada or could find it on a map, but I am committed to understanding these strange and barbaric people. Toward that goal, I have voluntarily assented to the Canadianization Rite.”

The rite includes a rigorous schedule of such activities as kayaking, tobogganing, maple tapping and a visit to clothing-optional Wreck Beach in Vancouver. Sampling the “magic cookies” is a requirement. There is also squid-jigging in Newfoundland (while trying not to vomit) and being intolerant of religious symbols in Quebec. He will have to ride a chuckwagon, a combine, a bicycle, a horse and a stealth skidoo. Some have compared it to a compressed version of “Amazing Race; Canada”.

The most grueling part is being forced to watch entire seasons of “Corner Gas”, “This Hour Has 22 Minutes”, “Front Page Challenge”, “The Beachcombers” and the video short “Logdriver’s Waltz”. There will also be shorter sessions with episodes of “Red Green”, “The Nature of Things”, “Hinterland Who’s Who”, and every second of the ’72 Canada-Russia hockey series.

“I don’t care how strange or savage these people may appear, I want to live among them; adopt their customs and become their friends,” said Ehman boldly. “This way I can meet the well-heeled and sell them investment opportunities. If that doesn’t work out, maybe I will get a great job like Jacobsen got; Vice-chair of the Bank of Montreal! I can’t remember which state Montreal is, but it sounds like a pretty lucrative gig. I can hardly wait to see what this ambassadorship to these kindly, primitive people might lead to for me!”


Photo by:  Grabka dot org  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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