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The End is Near: Scientist warn of Astronomical Forces.

Protestor calls for Ottawa to Act.

(SNN) - According to a new study, the Earth has only 1.75 billion years left, and life as we know it has less time than that. Even more alarming is that the Earth could die sooner in the event of a nuclear holocaust, an errant asteroid or some other disaster. Scientists are predicating this model based on evidence that “astronomical forces” will eventually render the planet uninhabitable when the Earth will travel out of the solar system's habitable zone and into the "hot zone.”

The news of the Earth's imminent demise has the liberal think tank, “Humans Must Pay” or HUMP, up in arms, “What does Prime Minister Harper intend to do about this?” was the call from a bull-horn held my Patricia Carbuncle, head HUMPer from Hamilton. Carbuncle was one of a hundred people who picketed Ottawa. The demonstrators are calling on the Canadian Government to take steps to 'Stop Astronomical Forces.' “Before it's too late..” was the chant from the “HUMPers."

The planetary zones are defined by water. In the habitable zone, a planet is located at just the right distance from its sun in order to sustain liquid water. Scientists have advised that when the Earth gets closer to the sun, entering the "hot zone," our oceans would evaporate, killing all life on our planet.

The Sage has learned that the Prime Minister's office will not respond to this crisis. Upset that the PM is planning to do nothing, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair went on the offensive comparing Harper to a little girl with an overt optimistic outlook. “I’m anything but a Pollyanna on this stuff, but I do think something is being lost when the overarching message is, ‘You have no choice. You have to respond to an attack with an attack,’ ” said Mulcair. The Sage has learned that Mulcair is drafting up a three-point plan to stop astronomical forces; it has something to do with large mirrors.

Not to be outdone, Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau had this to say, “Activism, to me, I don't know if it really works. It may work for somebody else, but it does not work for me.” When asked to clarify that statement Trudeau replied, “Everything that happens to me is very cosmic, man.”

Photo: Some rights reserved by robotson flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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