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Mulcair Accuses Harper of Dirty Tricks

'RCMP Useless To Stop The Injustice'

(SNN) - Canada’s Federal Opposition Leader, Thomas Mulcair, is calling out Prime Minister, Stephen Harper over an alleged ‘dirty tricks’ campaign the NDP chief claims are being directed at him. Mulcair was visibly enraged; claiming to be actually surprised the PM could stoop so low. To illustrate his point, Mulcair took a small group of the nation’s most influential journalists on a walking tour of the residence of the Official Opposition, at Stornoway. The Sage was there. (We recorded every word from a van parked on the road with a directional microphone and a telephoto lens for the company camera.)

“Look, over here,” Mulcair pointed at the front steps of the impressive edifice. “See those stains? That’s where someone and by someone, I mean Prime Minister Harper, has placed dog poop in a paper bag and set it on fire on our steps. The first time it happened, I had no idea what was in the bag and immediately stomped out the flames. I had to throw away my favourite slippers as a result.”

“That’s not all, of course,” continued the apoplectic politico. “There’s a whole bunch of little things. Roundup herbicide in our liquid weed n’ feed, chalk-line dust in the vents of our limo, a rat in a gift bag, he even tipped over the decorative outhouse in back of the property. Seriously? It’s 2013, for God’s sake! What’s next? He’s going to sneak in and short sheet us?”

When pressed, Mulcair admitted he didn’t have any hard evidence of Harper’s involvement in the incidents, otherwise he would have called in the RCMP, but knows in his heart of hearts that it was him. “Who else,” Mulcair mused, “would send me a chocolate birthday cake laced with Ex-Lax?”

“See? Look! Look!” Mulcair shouted, pointing at the Prime Minister’s residence. “He’s out there waving at me!  He’s mocking me! Screw off, you caucus sucking jerk! If you touch my hoe again, I’ll kill you!”

After he calmed down somewhat, Mulcair explained to the reporters that, “a certain prime minister or prime ministers unknown”, had been pilfering all his lawn and garden implements.  

“If you come back here after a snowfall, you will also notice Harper aims his snow blower so all his snow goes right on my driveway,” the steamed socialist spat. “Justin is more than welcome to move in here. I’d rather live in Edmonton than here! Well… maybe not Edmonton…”

Photo by: postbear eater of words  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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