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Michele Bachmann: God to Assist in Stopping Hillary in 2016.

(SNN) - Washington, DC - According to U.S. Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota), God has answered her prayers. The Sage got the scoop the day after Bachmann told conservative radio personality, Jan Markell, that it is “up to us” to communicate with God if we are fearful of a Hillary Clinton presidency.

Bachmann is stoked that God listened when she cried out to Him, asking for divine intervention as she makes plans to stop Hillary from climbing to the top.” I will file a Cease and Desist letter with the proper authorities,” said Bachmann.  “I know how to do that because I am a lawyer.” The letter, to be co-authored by God, will direct Clinton to immediately stop thinking about possibly running for the nation’s highest office in 2016.

“God promised to help me craft the letter,” explained Bachmann. “I wanted God to write it on parchment and put the Official Seal of Heaven at the bottom, but He’s kind of busy. Instead, He plans to Dictate and I’ll transcribe on my iPhone Notes app because I know how to use that one. No need for editing; it’s God’s work!”

Knowing that God has a few important matters to attend to, like listening to the prayers of the sick, checking up on Syria, and calming the flood waters in Colorado, we gently asked Michele if she had a Plan B should God’s calendar become too full, or if he developed laryngitis.  “Well, sort of,” she replied. “I sent a text message to Shirley Phelps-Roper, Fred’s kid… she’s a lawyer like me!  I asked what she and the folks from Westboro Baptist could do to help stop Hillary from possibly thinking about throwing her hat in the ring.”

At this point in the interview, our DC correspondent had to calm Bachmann down. She was jumping up and down with excitement and we couldn’t understand what she was saying. “Hillary’s hat! I like the alliteration! But’s it’s not about her hat. Shirley says she’ll commission the members of Westboro Women’s Fashion Club to protest right outside of Hillary’s favorite pant suit shops. They hate her sense of fashion and figured that blocking the doors to “those fancy shops with those ugly pant outfits”, will make her panic with the fear that she won’t have anything fashionable to wear on the campaign trail.

“I’m not at all worried,” Bachmann gloated. “I’ve got God and the Westboro Fashionistas! I’m golden! And I didn’t even have to put a Help Wanted ad on Craigslist!”

Photo: Some rights reserved by DonkeyHotey flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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