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NSA To Offer Online Banking Services With New Encryption Decoder Plan

'Monetarizing Intelligence Gathering Will Save Taxpayers Billions!'

(SNN) - Now that NSA officials have admitted that they have cracked the majority of computer data encryption methods, they can now offer a wide range of financial services for busy Americans. The encryption-breaking capacity of the agency, part of its profitable PRISM division, was revealed by a number of newspapers last week; including Britain’s The Guardian, The New York Times and the Sleepy Eye Herald Dispatch in Minnesota.

“We can pretty much crack any code now,” confirmed NSA spokesman, Shadow E. Figger. “As a result, you can use us to pay all your bills, keep track of every expenditure and even develop a budget you can follow, or else. Got a PayPal, Craigslist or Amazon account? We can pay it for you with instant convenience. There will be no need for you to share your ultra-secret password or any other personal details with us since we already know it, so you can be confident your information is safe.”

Some commercial encryption services have been quick to find fault with the NSA’s ability to compromise data that people are paying to keep private. They fear worst case scenarios where the state will alter citizens’ accounts to discredit them should they fall out of favor, or find fault with, the government. Given American’s propensity for criticizing their leaders, it does seem a valid point. This isn’t that much of a worry for the agency, however, as Agent Figger explained.

“We can assure people there is no need for concern,” said the operative, “unless, of course, we get another whistleblower. Still we feel it is a win-win situation. We can not only thwart terrorism and stuff, but by offering these new services, we can turn a multi-billion dollar sinkhole into a tidy profit for the good of all Americans.”

Photo by: Bruce Sterling flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed


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