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Norwegian Troll Outraged, Mistaken for Bigfoot

BFF Vows to Clear His Name

(SNN) - In an exclusive interview with Freya the Forest Sprite, ghostwriter for The Norge Nutter, an underground Norwegian newsletter dedicated to sensational journalism, the Sage’s Norwegian source has learned that Western Norway’s most famous troll, Knute, is furious. Knute, an unusually smart, but malodorous troll, is seriously miffed at amateur Cryptozoologist, Ludvik “Vik” Hedvik. Hedvik, a self-proclaimed, dimwitted neophyte and aspiring member of the Norwegian paparazzi, recently spotted Knute sunbathing on a rocky hillside near Bergen. According to Freya, Knute’s best friend, the legendary troll saw Hedvik lurking nearby. Knute tried to escape to his cave, but Hedvik was in hot pursuit. Grabbing his prized Blackberry, the determined crpytozoologist started shooting pictures of the slow, clumsy troll. Apparently, Knute became quickly exhausted and collapsed in front of the gleeful Hedvik. Knute told Freya that Hedvik then became very upset because his Blackberry’s battery died before he finished shooting.  Freya agreed to release the following conversation in hope that The Sage can help Knute save face.

“Ha! I caught you, you bumbling sasquatch!” laughed Hedvik. “Your kind is always so sneaky, running from tree to tree, teasing startled tourists into thinking they ‘thought they saw Bigfoot’, but just couldn’t be sure…”

“What?” roared Knute, “What? I am NOT a sasquatch, you idiot! If I run at all, I run from rock to rock; I duck under bridges; I swim in the fjords! I am Knute, the most famous troll this side of Norway!  My head is not pointed, I have a strong, sculpted nose, and I smell better than that cowering, disgusting, faux gorilla you call Bigfoot!”

“You can’t fool me,” Hedvik laughed, “There is no such thing as a troll!”

Freya went on to report that Knute went berserk and threatened to throw Hedvik into the fjord’s deep sea, but backed off when he learned that Hedvik couldn’t swim. “Knute might be scary and smelly, but he has a bit of a soft spot. But don’t tell him I said that!”

Apparently, Knute was unable to grab Hedvik’s Blackberry before he ran off behind the rocks. He knew that Hedvik was going to try to pitch his story and pictures to the Norway Post, one of the country’s largest newspapers; but he doubted they would bite. Freya told The Sage that she would do a quick write up in the Nutter and then call George Noory, host of the popular radio show, Coast to Coast AM, because Noory owes her a big favor. She was sure Noory would help spread the word on his show and clear the air for Knute.

Between The Nutter, The Sage, and Noory, Knute is hopeful that his notoriety won’t be tarnished, his reputation saved. “I just can’t be tagged as some bored human, dressed up in a bad hairy costume made in China,” Knute told Freya. “How can that guy call himself a real cryptozoologist when he can’t tell the difference between a fake, perpetually blurry form called Bigfoot, and me, Knute, a real live legend?”

Photo: Some rights reserved by @boetter flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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