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BREAKING NEWS: On a Stick or On the Edge

New, Delicious (?) Treats-on-a-stick to Debut at the 2014 Minnesota State Fair


(SNN) - At this writing, there are still a little over two days left of this year’s Great Minnesota Get Together (otherwise known as the State Fair), but the Minnesota division of the FFF (Fanatic Fair Foodies) are already making plans for 2014. This Sage reporter has learned that the FFF, led by former Minnesota resident, Andrew Zimmern, star of the Travel Channel’s “Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern”, has been meeting to brainstorm after closing time at Ole and Lena’s, Liggett St. at Minnesota Avenue on the fairgrounds.  Here is a sampling of new creations in the popular food-on-a-stick category:

Durian Dollop on-a-stick  - Get a buzz from this heady, but highly stinky fruit. Whether the Durian Dollop will be a bestseller is highly questionable. Though popular in Southeast Asia, it has been reportedly banned from some hotels and public transportation because of its highly offensive odor (think, leaky septic tank). With that in mind, the Durian Dollop booth will be located on the outer edges of the fairgrounds, exact location to be determined. Fair officials have put their collective, dust-encrusted feet down telling the FFF that customers patronizing the durian stand must stay within a restricted area while consuming the smelly “treat”. After consumption, customers must wait at least 30 minutes before leaving the restricted area, giving the rancid odor a chance to dissipate.

Lutefisk and Lefse on-a-stick - The state’s Scandinavians (and there are a lot of them) will be thrilled to learn that their much loved, white slimy, lye-soaked fish will be lovingly wrapped in the popular Norwegian flatbread called lefse. Toppings for the lefse are critical. They must be sweet enough to counteract the strange-tasting (tasteless?) lutefisk, but not too overpowering to completely mask this stark, off-putting fish. Unfortunately, little can be done to change the quivering, gelatinous texture.  The FFF will vote between a light brushing of brown sugar and cinnamon or a lightly mixed concoction of butter and lingonberries. Because the berries are a staple in Sweden, the FFF is leaning toward the latter to appease local Swedes who will be ticked off that their tasty, thin pannkaka (pancake) will not be the wrap of choice.

When asked why use a lefse-wrap instead of one made of pannkaka, the restaurant’s namesake, Ole, a native of Oslo, commented, “It’s simple. ‘Pannkaka’ doesn’t start with an ‘L’. Besides, we want alliteration, not alienation!”  Oh, snap!

Spam on-a-spork - It was bound to happen sooner or later. Spam is a staple with some Minnesotans, especially those folks who live in Austin (the one in Minnesota, not Texas). Folks either love it (madly) or hate it (badly). In accordance with fairgoers’ passion for anything deep-fried, the pieces of pure piggy will be dipped in hot, boiling oil before being impaled on a spork. It’s reported that the usual wooden sticks used at the fair are expected to be in short supply next summer as a result of the recent boom in new home construction.

“Ole made the decision to use plastic sporks,” explained Chairman Zimmern. “It really isn’t because of the stick shortage, it’s because Ole likes how ‘pork’ rhymes with ‘spork’”.

According to Zimmern, the challenge will be impaling the pieces of dripping, deep-fried, pure piggy without breaking the flimsy, plastic utensil. Alternative spork designs and materials are being investigated.  

Is There More?

Unfortunately, I was unable to convince the FFF to reveal more of the new, food-on-a-stick concoctions for next year’s fair until we promise to charter a bus to bring the entire Sage staff (Canadian and American) to St. Paul for next year’s shindig. We would get free admission, a private tour of the entire fairgrounds, and a chance to enter a contest to create the next blockbuster food-on-a-stick item. So, I’ll need to check in at the office. In the meantime, I’m thinking deep-fried poutine dipped in Sage Derby cheese wrapped in Canadian bacon. 


Photo: (c) 2013 Dixie Ohlander, All Rights Reserved.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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