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Health Canada Warns Tinfoil Hats Ineffective Against Mind Control

Lead Hats Safer But Weigh A Frickin Ton

(SNN) - Professor Mustafa Tumer, the pre-eminent neurochemist with Canada’s governmental health ministry, has issued a caution to ufologists, conspiracy theorists and the general public that tinfoil hats are ineffective against mind control rays. In the paper, “Contraindications Regarding Efficacy of Aluminum Headgear In Repelling Invasive Extraterrestrial Cerebral Manipulations”, Tumer has revealed that the popular answer to alien mind control, tinfoil hats, was shown to be ineffective, and in some cases, actually amplified the effect.

“Using equipment borrowed from Area 51 in the U.S., we used the exact same mind control technology normally employed by other aliens seeking to have humans do their bidding,” explained Tumer of his methodology. “By using test subjects wearing hats of various materials, we deduced that the only elements able to stop the penetrating rays were gold, lead, and, most surprisingly; helium, a truly noble gas.”

Tumer claimed from a cost/risk/benefit point of view, the hats made of gold leaf, while easily turning away the mind control rays, were too expensive for most users. Also, like the lead headwear, gold was so heavy it would make your neck thicker than your thighs in less than a month. Helium, on the other hand, while much cheaper and significantly lighter than the other materials, must be contained in an appropriate vessel for this purpose; and balloon hats just look silly.

“How will anyone take you seriously when you warn them of an alien invasion while you’re wearing a balloon hat?” Tumer pointed out in his treatise.

As no reputable scientific journal will publish the professor’s findings, they will appear on the “B” side of Canada’s Food Guide pamphlets.

“I am proud our research has added to the collective knowledge of humanity,” concluded Tumer. “It was well worth the $6.4 million dollars the study cost.”

Photo by: Zach Copley flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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