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Chocolate Milk Cited as Gateway to Booze and Drugs

Vast Majority of Substance Abusers Admit to Previous Use

(SNN) - A prestigious medical journal has linked chocolate milk to the abuse of much more dangerous substances such as tequila, marijuana and even harder street drugs including ecstasy, crack and metamucil. The journal, Guts, Brains and Other Innards, has published a study by a research team out of Itasca Community College in Grand Rapids, Minnesota that suggests the sugary beverage is just trouble waiting to happen.

Lead researcher, Donny Finkleman, a second year student at the institution and “probably one of the brightest students in the college’s Statistical Measurements class”, according to his teacher, Nigel Wright (19 times out of 20), was shocked by their results.

“The data is clear,” Finklman claimed in a news conference. He was then interrupted by his English teacher who advised him “data” is plural and, therefore, “ARE clear” is actually correct. He then continued by revealing that “of the thousands of people who have been arrested for various substance abuse issues, approximately 100%, more or less had experimented with chocolate milk, sometimes even years before”.

“I am really nervous,” admitted Finkleman to the reporters. “I used to drink chocolate milk before I found out I was lactose intolerant. I can’t change the past. My destiny is to wind up homeless on the street now. The chocolate milk has cast my destiny in stone. Anybody got a light?”

Photo by: Liana Wear flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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