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Zuckerberg Announces Plans to Take Over the World

"We Didn't Call it "Project Loon" for Nothing!"

(SNN) - “Hey, wanna try something real good? Everybody else is doing it, so maybe you should try it. It makes you feel real good, although for the weak, it can bring you down pretty bad. But you’re not weak, are you? You can try it and then just walk away, can’t you? We’ll make sure the first time is real cheap, too. Free sample, maybe even. What do you say, world? Do you want to try Facebooking, too?”

With that come-on (rather freely paraphrased), Mark Zuckerberg has announced a plan to bring low-cost Internet services to the five billion people on earth that are not yet on Facebook. Having a billion customers is apparently not enough for the young entrepreneur and he is seeking to inflict cute kitty pics and baby spam on every living person on the planet.

According to Zuckerberg’s own Facebook page, which may or may not be trusted, given that it was recently hacked, the web magnate said, “For nine years, we’ve been on a mission to connect the world. We now connect more than 1 billion people, but to connect the next 5 billion we must solve a much bigger problem: the vast majority of people don’t have access to the internet.” Zuckerberg also included a piece called, “Is Connectivity A Human Right?” as part of the initiative he has named, rather candidly; “Project Loon”.

“Oh yeah, once we get them hooked, no matter how destitute they are, they will want what we are offering,” Zuckerberg chortled in this reporter’s fevered imagining of the multi-billionaire’s thought processes. “I will not rest until I have enslaved the world in my yoke of Facebook oppression! No one will be safe from awkward status updates, offensive attempts at humor and recipes with full color images.”

Some of the changes to Facebook envisioned by Zuckerberg that will result from assimilating all of humanity include:

Ads for live chickens and other livestock.

The introduction of new Zynga games like Feudal Farmville and Rice Crush.

Adding a new button beside the “Like” tab for “Praise be to Allah”.

Instructions on how to weave an iPhone out of bamboo shoots, berries and a currant bush to access the web.

Cute goat pics.

Even the conquest of Earth isn’t enough for Zuckerberg, however, as it has been whispered he is working with the Branson Group to find life on other planets in order to expand his Facebook reach.

If we thought small pox was bad for the natives, wait until the Alpha Centarians get a load of this.

Photo by: Robert Scoble flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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