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U.S. Senator Ted Cruz to Undergo De-Canadianization Rite

He Must Swear Not Want To Ride the Zamboni Ever Again


(SNN) - To enhance his electoral chances, Texas Senator Ted Cruz must undergo a peculiar ceremony known as the Rite of De-Canadianization. Having been born in Calgary, Canada, the Republican politico feels renouncing his birth country, which provided him with dual citizenship, will help with his pursuit of the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election.
The Rite of De-Canadianization involves a number of symbolic actions which releases the person from the bonds of the north country. Here is a list of the required actions:

Break a hockey stick over your knee. Wooden ones are recommended.

Burn any Team Canada memorabilia you own. Some will be provided if the traitor has none of their own.

Vow to replace all “eh’s” with “huh’s”.

Forget curling exists as a sport. Electro-shock therapies will help with this.

Replace the phrase, “I’m sorry,” with “Screw you, Jerkface.”

Since Senator Cruz has lived almost his entire life in Texas, the rite should be simple for him, other than the requirement to pre-cut the hockey stick to make it easier to break. In fact, the Tea Party stalwart had to be told by a journalist that he had dual citizenship due to the circumstances of his birth.

When asked how Canada felt about Senator Cruz renouncing his Canadian citizenship, the Prime Minister of the rejected nation, Stephen Harper, appeared unfazed.

“I’ve heard the man speak,” said the PM, shrugging. “I’d say Canada’s average IQ just went up.”


Photo by: Gage Skidmore  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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