news director

Please Support our Sponsors

Health Alert: Excessive Porn Causes Spelling Erors

'Brain Function Impacted After Just Five Minuets'


(SNN) - The World Health Organization, (WHO) has issued a warning that watching too much pornography can damage areas of the brain, especially those involved with spelling, grammar and syntax. According to head researcher (not a pun) Dr. Horton Suess, of the WHO headquarters in Whoville, Texas, the exact process is not yet completely understood but the result is plain.

“Porn is bad for the brain,” said Suess flatly in the piece. “Too much of it and the only people who will be able to understand anything you write will be texters and Twitter members.”

The research paper described how the study group had hooked up MRI equipment to test subjects in order to see how sexual images were impacting the brain. After viewing naughty material for varying lengths of time, the subjects were asked to compose short statements on the computer. The compositions were then monitored for grammatical correctness and the results tabulated. Suess’ report was then published by two highly regarded scientific journals; the American Journal of Medicine and Penthouse.

“It became immediately apparent that the longer the testees were exposed to erotic images, the more frequent spelling and grammar mistakes were made,” claimed the well-known Professor of Neuro-Sexuality. “Impacts began after just five minutes and increased to a point that, within an hour, subjects could barely compose an understandable Tweet.  The text was full of unusual contractions, lack of apostrophes and confusion with words like they’re, their and there.”

“It is important not to assume that people who make a lot of mistakes with their spelling and grammar are stupid,” Suess emphasized. “They might just be wankers.”

The professor did note that other studies have suggested that most porn consumers don’t need the full five minutes anyway and so the danger isn’t as great as it might be.


Photo by: Vincent Martel  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
More from Chris McKerracher

 

Recent

Most Viewed

Promote Your Business


Social Activity



Top ^