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Ohio Denied Killer Drugs: Alternatives Explored

State Has Drug-Induced Penal Problem

(SNN) - The State of Ohio is being forced to consider alternatives to lethal injection, due to the source of their drugs; mostly the U.K., refusing to sell the compound to capital punishment-friendly countries. Having abandoned the politically unpalatable electric chair, state officials are bustling about to find an alternative form of mortal coil removal that is as publically acceptable as the pentobarbital being denied them.

To deal with the issue, the State Penitentiary Board held high level meetings with representatives from the penal system, government, the judiciary and the public at large to brainstorm, looking for ideas for alternatives to the banned substance they would prefer. Here are some of the unedited, unsanitized suggestions. Mature discretion is advised.

  • Make the condemned try and get a croissant out of a toaster with a butter knife while it’s toasting.
  • Crash Test Dummies
  • Force feed them sugary drinks and big, juicy, greasy hamburgers and give them a comfy chair and a TV set to the cooking channel and no time allotted for exercise. Even if they don’t die right away, they at least won’t be a threat.
  • Trick the mass-murderer into running with scissors.
  • Have the executionee become an involuntary organ donor and just over-harvest one day.
  • Play Justin Beiber music in the cell 24/7 and let him keep his belt and socks. Throw in some Celine Dion if he doesn’t crack.
  • Tequila Funnelling
  • Create a version of Extreme Wipe Out. If you make it through alive, your sentence is commuted. The rest will make for great TV.
  • Give them their last meal and make them go swimming in the deep end of the pool less than a half an hour later.
  • Take them bungee jumping. Use chain.

The director of the State Penitentiary Board, Dr. Jorge Scrue, refused to comment on which choice will be adopted.

Photo by: Der Vollstrecker  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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