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Tweets and Buzz land Gramps in jail.

Toronto police charge senior with trafficking in Crack.

(SNN) – Toronto police have arrested and charged a senior citizen for trafficking in a narcotic. Zeb Beazley, aged 89, stands charged with 16,111 counts of trafficking in Crack Cocaine. “All I can report is that we have the culprit in custody for distributing Crack Cocaine to over 16,000 followers on Twitter,” stated Sgt. Cuppafiel.

In an unusual interpretation of the criminal code, Toronto police charged Beazley for tweeting the chemical formula for crack cocaine which was retweeted thousands of times. At one point it was a top trend in Toronto. The tweet that caused the buzz read:

#coke @buzz420 @tokefour20, Coc-H+Cl− + NH4HCO3 → Coc + NH4Cl + CO2 + H2O take paypal.

The arrest took place at Happy Slumber Assisted Living Lodge located in the suburbs of Toronto.

Police stormed the facility and arrested Beazley while he was being assisted on the toilet by a Health Care Aide.

“They scared the ever living shit out of me,” howled Oscar Schmidt, a long time resident. “Gus, Pete and I were playing checkers when a bunch of commandos with nazi dogs stormed the building. The next thing I heard was Zeb yelling – "let her wipe my ass!"”

"This tweet is dangerous," stated Sgt. Cuppafiel. "We know first hand that this formula can cause severe psychological effects such as anxiety, aggressiveness, compulsive nose picking, hair pulling, delusions of grandiosity, excessive feelings of power and invincibility, repetitive and obsessive behaviors and paranoia"

The Sage has learned that charges were considered after the tweet was intercepted by two off-duty police officers. "Just to prove the potency of the Beazley Tweet, we used the formula to cook up some crack in our locker room," said Sgt.Cuppafiel.

The results of the Toronto Police coke lab have been sent to the RCMP for testing and were subsequently siezed as evidence.  Beazley will appear in court later this month.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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